mélange et cambiar.

i need...i don't know what i need. a change maybe. or a really outrageous night of imbibing, dancing and lots of laughs. or a tattoo. or a road trip. or busting my ass building a huge canvas and slopping paint all over it. or picking flowers at midnight. or taking thousands of pictures of strange little things that no one remembers or notices. or a really long bike ride and picnic on a blindingly sunny afternoon. or climbing a mountain starting at the crack of dawn and not seeing a soul the entire way and then being too sore to walk for 3 days. or cooking a really great, fresh, gourmet meal and eating it outside as the sun goes down. or being surrounded by people who care little enough about what others think that they can love wildly and unconditionally. or find an amazing yet affordable apartment. or stop playing games and drop out of school and pursue my real dreams. since about a month into my first semester of college i've wondered why i am in school. what i really want to do doesn't require a degree from a stuffy university. it just requires guts and making a move (or several moves). i've had a really hard time feeling guilty for my privilege of attending a fairly prestigious (not to mention expensive) school just because i was born into an upper middle class, white family. so far, the best reasoning i've repeated to myself is that if i were to drop out of school, my admittance and scholarships would not be transferred to someone less fortunate (unfortunately our world doesn't work that way) so i might as well exploit my privilege for all it's worth then use my socially legitimizing piece of paper (degree) to make the changes i want to see in the world. but if i keep playing into the very social constructs i wish to destroy, what good am i actually doing? maybe society is just not to the point where i can fully go against the grain so i should accept some things the way they are and make the changes i can by manipulating the existing system without sacrificing my well being and 'success'. but if this is the continual attitude, how will things ever change? why should i manipulate the existing system when the possibility exists to create an entirely new system? this goes along with the 'i'll do it tomorrow' or 'someone else will do it' mentality than prevents progress. i am just so frustrated with the way the world works that i don't know what to do with myself or the world for that matter. since i've already invested (wasted) 2 years of my life and tens of thousands of dollars, i might as well see it through. then again, bill gates never graduated from college.