has gone a little topsy turvy the past couple
of months. from about the second week of
november i was averaging about three hours
of sleep a night, including several nights of
zero sleep. my insomnia was caused by an
extremely exciting bout of creative production.
it all started when i was finally able to install my
tent for my faculty review on november 14.
the idea had been in my head for a good 7
or 8 months {see the first sketch here}, but
i was lacking the space to actually assemble
it. it was also the first real structural piece
i had ever made and i spent many hours lying
in bed thinking of how it would logistically work
to create the visual experience i had in mind.
transitioning from 2-D painting to 3-D
installation has been very challenging, but
equally rewarding. painting can be done with
little to no planning, just get the canvas together
and the paint can be infinitely manipulated to
create the finished product. no so with sculpture.
a concept, or finished product must be in mind
from the beginning {at least how i tend to work,
stream of consciousness sculpture isn't so practical}.
once that is developed, then all the physical
problems can be hashed out. this took some
work on my part.
the process of the senior project
and applying for grants has been difficult because
i had never had to explain and talk about my work
while it was non-existent or in progress. this is all
i did up until 4:00 am the day before my faculty
review. and with such a monstrous project it was
beginning to get a little taxing. when i finally had
all the pieces together in the gallery and the time
and space to put it together it was extremely energizing.
when it finally started to take shape and the 8 months
of planning and talking and failing to clearly get my
mental image across to others culminated in an intense
sense of euphoria. the long and difficult buildup had
finally culminated in the manifestation of the structure.
at this point i was riding the high of proving to myself i
could pull it off, and finally losing the sense of failure
in trying to explain an intangible mental image to a
multitude of people. perhaps it was sleep deprivation,
but i felt i had found my purpose in life. creating this
structure prompted such a sense of exhilaration,
satisfaction and completeness i had never felt from
any other process or project i have attempted. it
was then i realized i will spending the rest of my life
in pursuit of that feeling. and that at this point, it
can only be found in 3-D works through sculpture,
installation and performance.
since that fateful week of no sleep, i spent every
spare moment in the art building working on many
superfluous projects and complicating the simple
assignments of sculpture 1 to the point that i could
ignore the rest of my life. i'll work on documenting
and explaining those in the near future. the fact
of the matter is that the sculpture studio has
become a womb of sorts which has become my
main life giving source, that in addition to caffeine,
nicotine and the occasional {or quite regular} whiskey.
i have also been coping with my incurable case of
wanderlust. since i graduated from high school, i
hadn't been in any single habitation, much less
country, for more than 4 months. right around
thanksgiving when i hit the three month mark
of being back in portland my restlessness was
exacerbated by the thought that i will be in the
same house in the same city and country for six
more months. the longest stay since living in
the same house with my parents for 13 years.
the stress and anxiety of moving and readjusting
to a new place that i had become accustomed to
would not be happening after this past semester,
yet my body and mind was still going through
those motions. so i had all this pent up stress and
energy and nowhere for it to go. enter more sleepless
nights. i was also extremely under stressed for finals
because every other final period has been accompanied
by moving. the semester still doesn't feel finished
as i had no big change to signal it. i tried to combat
this by cleaning out and completely rearranging my
room, but it's just not the same.
although it may sound as if i've gone off the deep
end, it's actually been really good. i finally feel as
if i've found my nitch at lewis & clark. i've met
some really great people this past semester and
i at last i feel a deep satisfaction in what i am doing
with my time. that said, since finals finished i've been
going through a recovery of sorts, slowly weening
myself off my strung out, creative state. the snow
in ill-equipped portland provided some long mornings
lying in bed watching the snow fall. also, with the
lack of class work to occupy my time, i've found myself
sleeping around 12 hours nightly. i suppose catching
up and storing up for next semester. i spent some time
in tahoe with family, read some *gasp* non-school books
and taken indulgently long baths.
one thing that has helped my newly found, relaxed
state is a hot toddy before bed. i brew a cup of tea
{i like peppermint or green tea}, add some honey,
lemon juice, a cinnamon stick and a healthy splash of
whiskey. nothing like a super comfy bed {i'm so glad to
be back to my own bed after being away for a week},
a hot toddy, mellow music and a good book to somewhat
soothe a restless soul such as mine *sigh*.
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